- Installment two of four has arrived. Be sure to come back Monday to read about Leviathan Gaming, and Wednesday to learn how to go 16-0 when I preview Classic Mixup!
” M RIDING THE WAVE
On first glance, they look like the second hottest team coming into ESEA LAN, having rolled off seven straight wins to finish the season. That summer day pavement heat gets dispelled a bit when you notice the four forfeit wins, but Spacewhales finished the season stronger than anyone predicted after being bested on Granary by GOIN HEAVY. The season started with their roster being Soup on medic, Boomer on pocket, Blaze on roamer, Mesr and Yz50 on scout, and Dummy on demo. Clockwork popped in to scout in place of Mesr who slid over to take the inactive Soup's spot, while Blaze and Boomer played musical chairs with the soldier roles for about four weeks. It looks like Blaze lost the race but won the war, being second into the seat but experiencing the true pleasure of being in Boomer's lap. Having the best LAN scout in the game playing next to the formerly-best LAN scout in the game should set up a pretty fantastic duo of death, but the question is whether the other four will be carrying their weight.
Let's start off with my personal favorite Whalesman, Mister mesRoaR, formerly known as A_WILD_FURBY, familyguyfan_666, and goku_. He made two LAN trips to play medic, in season nine for Classic Mixup and once again for the Spacewhales in season eleven. Both of those times, he was the second best medic there – and only second because Reptile and Shade put on obscenely good, greatest-of-all-time-worthy performances. The dude is known for having insane Crusader's Crossbow aim and his ability to manipulate the curves of his vivacious body to dodge hitscan weaponry is basically untouchable by other medics. He is also probably the funniest dude I could imagine being on a team with and even if the Whales get massacred at LAN, he will make it a fun time. The first chance
I got to play with Mesr went as such – he proclaimed “I'm gonna kill that bitch ass ***** wit' a fish.” And then he did, and he laughed and I laughed and joy was spread.
The eternal gamer, the man who embodies Team Fortress 2, will be making another LAN showing and we will hopefully get to see another quad airshot on an ubered thing as Dummy rolls back into town. For yet another season, he will slap on the Depend underwear and pull up to LAN via the wheelchair ramp in back and hope to show these young'ns how you used to do it in the old days where rollout speed never mattered and airdetting stickies sounded like some kind of urban drug slang. Dummy's LAN performance tends to oscillate based upon map; his best seem to be the ones where he can just step out and throw pipes and win deathmatch battles, and the ones where it comes down to positioning and area control are a little more difficult for him. It isn't a matter of Dummy being senile and brain-shattered, but rather that he just pipes the hell out of dudes and makes them regret stepping on to Viaduct's middle.
For their airborne assault, the Whales will be dependent upon the The Killer B's, Boomer and Blaze. I am doubtful that they play in traditional Killer Bees attire, namely some cock-hugging black and yellow speedos, but having spent so much time swapping soldier roles back and forth, I expect the two are going to come in stronger than ever. Blaze's roam is pretty much legendary, with him being the best roamer in the game even on 100 ping playing on his awful British Columbian internet. I heard a rumor that Boomer got a little laser eye surgery to let him pierce through the mysterious cloudy purple haze that seemed to follow him every which way he went... so I expect this LAN to be played with a little more clarity and focus out of him. It helps that Diablo 3 sucked a whole lot and died, which freed up some practice hours for him. Most people would say that Boomer was the weakest player of last LAN and his struggles at the season's start necessitated the role switch, but things look good for a Boomer Sooner resurgence in Dallas.
And by far the most interesting and important and gorgeous part of the team is its scout pair, with the legendary Yz50 and Clockwork. To this day, Yz still fights off hordes of girl gamers offering up their used panties and boy gamers offering up free unusuals, despite the fact that he is now a good two years removed from his dominance. And Clockwork is on a whole other level at LAN from pretty much every scout to ever play the game, and nobody really seems to have an explanation for it. Yz50 used to be that dude, and when former team captain Tyrone asked him what made him so much better at LAN he said: “I dunno dude... rockets just like, come out quicker, so that means I can SEE them quicker... right dude?” This team fucking loves marijuana, okay guys? The Yz50 we saw in the season eleven playoffs was not the one most of us were used to, and it was attributed primarily to the team's lack of practice. Now that the Whales are scrimming their asses off and pushing themselves to the limit in preparation for LAN, that should go differently. As for Clockwork – the dude has kicked as much TF2 ass as humanly possible and he's done it in Texas, England, and I'm sure if ESEA ever moves to Rhode Island, he'll show up there to meatshot the hell out of some dudes, too.